got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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