So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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