awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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