i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Who died my cat blue again?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
