I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
