Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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