Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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