My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
