Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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