After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
