Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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