I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize