i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
