sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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