I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
