Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
