There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
