fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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