I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
