New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Randomize
