She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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