please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She bit a glass in half.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
