Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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