My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize