I think I died a long time ago.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
