I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
