we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
