Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
