It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
