Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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