he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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