my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
So apparently I’m into choking now
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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