so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
