Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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