Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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