Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
