I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize