my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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