I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
