Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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