I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize