I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
the raccoons are back...
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