I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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