I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Randomize
