I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
