So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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