i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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