I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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