i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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