Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
