I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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