you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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