How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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