I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
