I never want to see another naked old woman again.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
