you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
