I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
