I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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