Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
