WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
