jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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