I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
