dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
